Monthly Archives: September 2014


What am I afraid of?
under it all?
What’s the worst that can happen
and is it really that bad?
Maybe I’m afraid of loss,
losing what’s good
places, relationships, opportunities.
But what if I have to let go of the good
in order to receive the better?
I can only be ready to receive
if my hands are empty.
In loss there is thankfulness
an acute awareness of the good of whats past.
In loss there is a clear headedness
a lightness in spirit.
Ready for whats next.
Maybe I’m afraid of what people think,
much less than before.
If people are disappointed in me
If people don’t think well of me
what then?
Will my world come to an end
or is there something more secure, more robust within?
Trying to please others
always leads to a closed space
being boxed in
But going with the quiet inner voice
above the loud outer voices
leads to the wide open spaces.
Flying free.
Maybe I’m afraid of the unknown
my path not within my power.
But that place of unknowing
can be a place of excitement and freedom
holy anticipation
if I choose to make it so.
The place where trust is not optional
but the only lifeline.
The only anchor
on churning seas.
if all this is so
just maybe
I am not subject to fear
but it is subject to me.

The bear who stepped up – a little preview


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Yesterday was the first anniversary of the death of James Thomas, a close friend and father figure to me here in Cape Town, who was killed in the Nairobi mall terrorist attack. It was a tiring, emotional and beautiful day as friends gathered to thank God for his life and to share our grief and hope. I miss him so much.

I wrote a story about ‘the bear who stepped up’ after his death and this past week have finally got round to doing the illustrations. Once I’ve finished the paintings I will share the story with you but here is a sneek preview. It’s been hard but therapeutic to paint these… I hope they will be a blessing to others too.

Two options


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It’s my choice.

It doesn’t feel like it

but it is my choice.

Two options.

Two possible reactions.

To the same situation

of current unknowing.

A place of uncertainty

Not knowing what the future will hold

Things that seem stable shake

Many things unresolved

Many questions unanswered

Where will I be?

What will I do?

My natural reaction:

anxiety and frustration,

attempts to control and fix the situation into certainty.

But those reactions are based on the premise

that it’s my responsibility to resolve this.

To tie it down.

To bring security to myself.

But what if that premise is false?

Not suppressing my feelings

but challenging them to align

with what I know

and have experienced

to be true.

And taking time to receive that truth

in my heart as well as my head.

What if my premise changes?

What if the premise is that I stand on the only rock

and that rock is a person

who loves me

is trustworthy

knows the end from the beginning

is with me always, even through hard times

will bring good out of even what was meant for harm

who has good plans for me

that He will bring about.

Looking back

as I retell my own stories to myself,

my experience back that up

in remarkable ways in fact.

So then if that’s the premise,

maybe I can take my hands off

and wait.

Not passive waiting

but alert,

receptive to what He’s doing,

willing to participate and step out

when He prompts me to.

If that’s the case


just maybe

radical and illogical as it seems right now

I could wait

with excitement, curiosity and anticipation.

That feels profoundly different.

I wonder what He will do?



“The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures for ever.” Psalm 138:8

A rock amidst sinking sands


rock in sinking sand

A tricky question.

How to find peace

with no certainty.

Or with almost no certainty

in location, occupation, residence.

So much up in the air at once.

Just as I feel I am regaining my footing and peace

another thing falls away into uncertainty.

But I guess

the peace

comes from the only certainty.

His presence is His promise.

The challenge

that digs deep into my bones

is to let that be enough.

Can it really be enough?

Back to the old chalkboard

to learn it deeper this time.



He really has to be my only rock now

as everything else

is truly sinking sands.

A hard and painful lesson to learn.

Gut wrenching.

But maybe this is the very lesson I’ll need

for the adventures ahead.

Attempting to seek his face,

not just his hand.

Gazing at Him

is the safest place to be.


Psalm 62:1-2

My soul finds rest in God ALONE, my salvation comes from him.

He ALONE is my rock and my salvation, he is my fortress, I shall never be shaken.