Monthly Archives: April 2014



black mole hungry



from where I was.

From the fragile, emotional, frustrating space

of being broken

of being under a cloud

a weight of physical and emotional tiredness

a fog of confusion and weakness

stubborn against the wind

and my futile efforts to push it away.

And one day

it lifts.

No explanation,

no obvious reason.

It’s just not there anymore.

And as it leaves

it reveals


I feel myself again

restored joy, fun, peace, energy.

Me being me.

I’m back.

Not sure how that happened

but I’m grateful.

I’d really like to know.

But not knowing

just emphasizes how little control I had over it anyway.

Which is good but frustrating.

Thank you for your prayers if you’ve been praying.

Thank you God for the shift in the invisible unknown

which changes my visible known world.

And now the cloud has lifted

I can see clearly again.

I have eyes to see

the potential for hopes and dreams to come to pass,

to see past my restricted vision of what’s possible

to the God possibilities beyond my imagination.

I can see the rich blessings around me.

I can confidently step into

the opportunities He gives

with fresh dependency on Him,

frequently returning

to the refreshing

of the deep place of intimacy

we’ve dug together

in that time of struggle,

when dependency on Him

was truly my only option.

It’s still true, “I can do nothing without Him.” *

Nothing. Nothing of worth.

And I need to remember that

more consciously now.

As energy levels waver

and muscle pain catches me off guard,

I’m reluctantly aware

that this might be a reprieve

rather than a permanent release.

So it’s even more important that now

as I’m tempted

to rush in and onwards,

to pour out with enthusiasm,

with renewed energy:

it’s now that I must be sure

to keep retreating to the secret place

to respond

to the invitation

that’s still held out to me

of deep intimacy

and total dependence on Him.

A place of safety.

A place of infilling.

So I can give freely from overflow.

So I can pour out

with no fear of burn out.

Because I’m more aware than ever

of the importance of ensuring

I give time and space

to receive the abundantly offered inflow

so that the outflow is sustainable, overflow

and not a depleting resource.

* John 15: 5 “I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

Copyright Hilary Murdoch 2014. All rights reserved.

Photo credit: MolePro


A glorious and baffling exchange




They say the sun shines

on the righteous and the unrighteous.

And I’m grateful that it does

because it shines on me

and I’m both.

As I eat banana and bacon pancakes

by the sea

on Easter Saturday

I marvel at the grace

of His sunshine on me.

Here in the in-between place

between Good Friday and Easter Day

between sacrifice and restoration

between loss and great gain

between separation and reunification

between seeming defeat and overwhelming triumph

between death and new life.

In this in-between space,

His friends had to wait,

had to sit in the unknowing

and crushing disappointment

in the devastating silence.

It’s here in this space

that the mysterious happened:

the glorious and baffling exchange.

My garbage

for His glory.

Maybe my brain doesn’t fully ‘get’ it

but my heart has certainly experienced it.

It’s here that I get to lay down

all in me that’s not right

everything that’s ‘unrighteous’

all that’s not His wonderful way.

I lay down my fears

my insecurities

my selfishness.

I give him all the hidden ugliness of my heart.

And it’s here

that he takes it onto himself

at unimaginably high cost.

Then as the sun dawns on Easter Sunday

and life smashes through death

it’s now that he gives me in return

what I don’t deserve

what I could never earn.

Fullness of life

and the privilege

of the offer

of a life changing relationship

with the creator of the universe

with the most compassionate and humble man who ever lived

with the source of peace and love.

An offer

of right relationship with Him:


An offer,

not forced on me

but if I receive it

my life will never be the same.

A ‘mission impossible’:

to bring wholeness and restoration in the world, as He did

only possible through His power at work inside me.

And so on this day of triumph

I choose afresh

I choose full life

and accept the mission that’s impossible without Him.

I step deeper into the adventure

where my life has meaning and purpose

where it’s possible to break free from the stuff that holds me back

where I’m aware of His loving presence: real, alive, powerful

where there’s a gift of peace under-girding even the hardest times.

I step into the adventure

where extra-ordinary things could happen

and amazingly they often do.

Copyright Hilary Murdoch 2014. All rights reserved.

Feeling good



© Hilary Murdoch 2014


My mum and I used to turn this song up full blast, sing loudly and dance like crazy things around the kitchen. It was at a time when both of us hadn’t been feeling so good for a long time but were both breaking into a new season, a season of ‘feeling good’ inside again. It’s a precious memory for me.

I haven’t been ‘feeling good’ for some time now but just this week I’ve felt a new joy, peace and lightness. I actually don’t know what’s shifted but I feel myself again, for the first time in quite a while. And this song is again the sound track for a new season of regaining this space. I painted the picture above last week, before the cloud lifted – maybe it was a plea from inside, maybe it was a premonition of what was to come. Whatever it was, I’m grateful.


Birds flying high
You know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin’ on by
You know how I feel
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
I’m feeling good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good

Dragonfly out in the sun

you know what I mean, don’t you know
Butterflies all havin’ fun

you know what I mean
Sleep in peace when day is done
That’s what I mean
And this old world is a new world
And a bold world
For me

For me

Stars when you shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life

It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
It’s a new life
For me

And I’m feeling good

I’m feeling good
I feel so good
I feel so good

Original song lyrics by Anthony Newley and Leslie Bricusse

Painting Copyright © Hilary Murdoch 2014. All rights reserved.